Self Discovery

I’m Exactly Where I Need to Be in Life, I Just Needed to Recalibrate.

Going through such a hard time over the last year (Article: Why 2020 Kept Slapping Me in The Face), and coming to the realization two months ago that I was about to lose my house on top of all other things was the last straw that I [thought] had left. The tremendous amount of worry and guilt that came with this was overbearing because I know that if I hadn’t given up my job, we wouldn’t be so far off our financial track, and this inner battle that I have with my career choice makes me sick and paralyze with so much guilt and burden. I constantly talk about this decision with Mike at length, and although we keep coming to the same conclusion, I can’t help but feel what I feel, especially when I look at my boys.

Therefore, I stopped talking to the universe or praying to God about a month ago. I was miffed that all the things that I was praying for came up as disappointments, and life felt completely out of control for me. Not necessarily giving up on faith, or hope in life, I just gave up believing that praying to god or manifesting with the universe is even useful. I thought, what’s the point, he’s clearly got other plans for me anyways.

We are quite blessed as it is for all the things we have, don’t get me wrong. Mike has transitioned into a great IT job with amazing pay and benefits, but it’s unrealistic to sustain this house along with the significant financial hit that we’ve been taking over the year. When I decided on leaving my career, before the pandemic, we were set but we had no way of anticipating that these other issues would arise that has thrown us off track. Making bill payments has started becoming harder and harder and now we’re avoiding calls from debt collectors. I quote my friend who said “I can’t even finance a happy meal right now.”

So, naturally, I started looking at other “hail mary” options to save me from my inner conflicts. I was desperate for any immediate relief and was also looking for any jobs as extra income. Mike was hustling on the side to come up with spare cash, but because of the pandemic, making side sales became significantly difficult.

I guess when a person is desperate, nothing is out of the question. Mike and I ended up putting a lot of hope in searching old hard drives that he had as it contained old Bitcoin wallets because he was one of the first people to start mining Bitcoins. We had placed tremendous hopes and wished that there would be something left that could help provide us relief. We spent over a month staying up night and day, trying to retrieve files from the oldest hard drives and decoding it. There were arguments, tears, anger and disappointment. Nothing was left.

Then there was the huge lotto jackpot that the entire country seemed to be in on, and it lasted for over two weeks without any winners. Of course, we had to try our luck. I’m never one to play lottery tickets or much of a gambler really. It’s most likely because I’m scarred from it witnessing my father wasting money away for decades on lottery tickets out of desperation and hope. For two weeks straight I prayed, held my breath and crossed my fingers. But, we didn’t win the jackpot, or any pot, for that matter.

During all of this, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I didn’t ask for the money. I asked for what I thought would come with the money, which is to have relief from stress and back to normality. I just wanted my life to be restored without feeling like I was constantly on an emotional roller coaster. Because even just thinking about all the mishaps triggers my PTSD. When that happens it causes this heavy unbearable weight on my chest and I feel as if I’m choking on weights and I can send myself off into an anxiety attack. It makes me unable to function and I feel completely paralyzed. So if you’re wondering, yes, the body does keep score and holds trauma.

When the search hard drives for Bitcoins came up empty, and I was not getting any callbacks for the job postings that I applied to, I, out of frustration, started gave up hope on the universe but not on life. Mike and I gave up the ideal option of trying to save our home. We stopped feeling defeated because we valued our normality and living actively in the present more – so if that meant selling our home, we were prepared. We realized we were holding on to an ideal option, even though we weren’t ready to let go of this house under these circumstances. We worked really hard to build what we have. We had no help from anyone else. We did all of this with our hands, hearts, tears, and sweat. To lose it in the sense where it’s not our choice or option – felt detrimental. We weren’t holding on to it in an egotistical way, at least I don’t think so, it was more of a “this is where I grew” way. However we also recognized that perhaps we obtained this house when we were not aligned with our true ourselves and maybe this is the universe’s way of squaring off life.

After making the decision, Mike got on the phone and called the banks and lenders for final options before putting up a sign on our front lawn. It turns out, our home might be salvageable as there’s one lender willing to take a risk on us and our horrible credit (see why we have horrible credit here). We’re in the midst of working this out. But the funny thing is, out of all the lenders and banks that we called for options, the one that has been most helpful to us is the one that has been trying to contact me for months. See, throughout the year, since I went on a sabbatical, I wasn’t answering unknown numbers on my phone anymore. This lender has left me messages before, and I just deleted their voicemail after I heard the company’s name. The day we decided to stop feeling defeated, and we were ok with selling the house, we received a letter from them in the mail and called them – I had then recalled all the voicemails from them that I’ve deleted. It’s as if the universe has been trying to help this entire time and I was not patient enough to pay attention.

Within the month, I also noticed that our fridge is fuller than it used to be, not that we’ve been starving, but we’ve been budgeting and saving where we can. I can’t describe to you how grateful I felt the other day when I opened the fridge to see various fruits that was in there. You’re probably thinking, WTF it’s just fruits, but it’s more than that, because when budgeting, fruits aren’t at the top of my mind as I’m usually the only one eating them. I make sure the boys have their snacks, and the main meals are taken care of. But to see fruits in my fridge made me feel so thankful as it’s been a while since that’s happened. Mike’s parents doesn’t know about the predicament that we’re in with our house, but lately they’ve been dropping by with fruits and food for us. It’s completely random, but so appreciated at the same time.

We’ve been completely transparent with our boys, and we’ve noticed that they’re much less anxious now that they’re in the know. Which has helped ease my guilt and sadness quite a bit. I was petrified of disappointing them, but once Mike and I confided in them, they were able to act like kids again and have supported us in the best way saying, “we don’t care if we have to downsize, as long as we’re all together.” Not only that, they’ve been tremendously helpful around the house, fighting less with each other and putting in effort to working on their relationship, and the four of us have been making plans and doing everything together. Even simple car rides to get ice cream across town have been joyous because it’s something we haven’t done in what feels like forever. Things just feel right, and it’s a feeling that I haven’t had in so long. And although nothing has drastically changed, my house, itself, feels more peaceful if that’s even possible.

My oldest, Jason, has been running an hobby based eBay business since the beginning of last year, but this month sales has completely taken off on eBay as well as the local marketplace. He’s negotiating with adults and holds his own during these negotiations. He’s also made online friends through these transactions because they have that commonality, these “friends” invites him to events and such – because they happen to think he’s an adult. It’s awesome to see him be able to flip products, negotiation, handle money and socialize but still maintain his innocence. His biggest transaction this month was flipping a $2 hockey card and turning it into a $3000 card lot. I’m super impressed!

My youngest has completely done a 180 degree change this month as well. His temperament has calmed down and he’s more receptive to new ideas and change. Communication has been significantly easier and more open, and he’s more motivated to do things and learn. Conversations with him has been lighter, brighter, and more intuitive. A big difference from two months ago.

Also, within the month, I heard from two very close friends that I hadn’t anticipate hearing from. When life was spinning me out of control, I didn’t have the mental or emotional capacity to hang on to relationships. It was because of self-preservation, which is exactly what I wrote in this article here. These two friends, not mutual, are the closest friends that I feel so comfortable with to see most if not all of my multifaceted self, where I don’t feel like ,they judge me and I can be myself with them. I’m not one to be apart of a henhouse, or make my way around groups of friends. I’d rather keep close friends that I can connect deeply with, so I’m ever so grateful to have these two back in my life. I thought that I’d lost them for good, which I came to amends with because it’s been years, but it’s nice to have friends that can resonate with me, and that’s exactly what they did – they just suddenly reappeared this month, as if we never parted. Actually one of them even said “I don’t know what the universe is trying to tell me, but I’ve been thinking of you lots lately.” Crazy, am I right?

I guess what I’m saying is, I’ve been asking the universe for the ideal way to restore my life, and when it didn’t happen via the hail-mary’s I wanted, I felt defeated because I didn’t know of any other options. Meanwhile, the universe has been looking out for me this entire time, just not in the way that I was wanting. I asked for abundance, and I saw abundance in my fridge, I asked for normality, and my friends showed up out of nowhere, I asked for financial help, and I am receiving it indirectly.

“True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure – the greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character’s essential nature.”

-Robert McKee

But specifically, I asked for balance to have the mental strength to do what I want to do most, which is to develop Poised because it puts me back on a career path where I can do something of purpose. Although it was initially supposed to be a non-profit organization, which I did spend months developing business plans and proposals, I didn’t have the mental capacity to put my head in the game and get funding to create a new business.

What ended up happening was, when I was disappointed with my hail-mary’s, I just branched my thinking off into developing a website to help others, as I was waiting for call-backs from job postings. I don’t know why I did it, I just responded to my gut intuition within the moment and it worked for me. I love aesthetically creating, designing and building things, and working on this website also gave me a chance to assist others. I channeled all my energy into building this site completely from scratch with little knowledge of how to create a niche website. I had no money to ask for or buy help so I put a lot of time, energy, brainpower, sweat, and tears into Poised. I woke up and went to bed breathing and thinking about Poised. Even more so, I had hope again, but the difference this time was this hope was depended on my efforts, not the universe. Within a month of development, I’ve been trending upwards with Poised. And even though the website is still considered a baby in terms of website life, I’m super proud of its progress and the route that it’s headed down. Building Poised from scratch, inadvertently, has combined all my passions that I enjoy doing into one space.

Developing this website has taught me so much about the online business industry and also taught me something about myself too. I used to think that life had to happen the conventional way (example: the non-profit business mindset) because that’s all I knew, but this has opened my eyes to the unconventional way (example: develop an informative website to help others) creating a business. And, unfortunately, I’ve measured my whole life up until now by these conventional vs unconventional ideas. I’ve recognized that it’s been my reason for many blockages in my life where I can’t proceed because it’s not the conventional way, and because I didn’t have a preset roadmap I’d feel lost.

I’ve also learnt to pivot pivot and pivot within the online business world. And I love the new unconventional way of developing a business because I’m not confined to conform to what has been proven conventionally. This style of ‘business’ operations is actually something I’ve been subconsciously looking for, because if you read my bio, you’d know that I don’t learn or do things conventionally at all – which I now see is counter-intuitive to my conditioned thought patterns. I’ve been able to further target my niche market, and validate that by being apart of forums and the subreddit sites, such as AsianParentProblems. There are thousands upon thousands of others that are experiencing the same issues that I’ve gone through.

But the biggest thing that I’ve realized is the universe has always listened to me and always has my back. It may not give me what I want, in the way that I want it, but it gives me what I need, in the way that I need it most. If I had won the lottery, I probably wouldn’t have developed Poised from scratch the way I did, and I would have lost out on learning many lessons about myself that I needed to experience. Although my financial situation is quite shitty right now, Mike and I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to let our boys in on this part of our lives and see them grow with us and allowing trauma to end. I may not have heard from two people that have played a significant part in my life, and I may have subconsciously let my ego inflate again should I come in to large chunks of money.

“A diamond is a chunk of coal that is made good under pressure.”

Henry Kissinger

Also with that, we tend to blame others when things don’t go our way without deep diving and seeing why we feel the way that we feel. We are often taught to defend ourselves and look for justice when we’re hurt. When kids are acting in a hurtful way, they’re often asked to apologized to the other person, rightfully so, however we’re never taught that there’s a learning opportunity for the victim – which is to deep dive within themselves and understand why they’re hurt, healing their insecurities, and learning about themselves to build character and confidence. I wish society wasn’t so scared of pain and facing uncomfortable emotions because the truth is, if we don’t care, we don’t hurt – that’s ultimate confidence. And with that, I apologize to the universe for all the blame I’ve been putting on it. *smirk*

So, I guess you can say the universe and I are back on good terms again, and I can most definitely tell you even though life can get super shitty at times, there are so many things to be grateful for, you just have reframe your mind to look around. It may not be your ideal way of what you want of things, but dropping your ego and finding acceptance within your situation makes it so much easier to realize that perhaps you’re exactly where you need to be in life – you just need to recalibrate. Plus, when life pressures you to a point where you don’t have a choice anymore, you really get a chance to see what you’re capable of.